On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
