Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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