you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
