you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
