my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I love you. Go after that dick
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
