Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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