My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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