You work out of a Hotel?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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