Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
