at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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