Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
