i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
