apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
