The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just threw up on my dentist
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
