Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
