So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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