if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
