I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
