I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
