oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
