It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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