I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
