im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
