Heybabeimwearingurpanties
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
