I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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