My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
