3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
