He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
