I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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