there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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