Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
