I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
