I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
