After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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