Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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