We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
