please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
