You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
