I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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