i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
please come you make the beer taste better
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
