he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
