I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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