Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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