Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
