Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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