I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
