My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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