what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
