ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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