To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
