someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
