I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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