I got chris browned last night
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
