Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
