Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i think i have two assholes
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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