a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize