took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
