3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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